"What I Learned From Yugoslavia"

kusa, 14.08.13

A scene from a film that won't ever be made

While doing some research for a new music video I lost a whole morning (as regularly happens) to the wikipedia black hole and spent I don't know how long reading about Yugoslavia. Not wanting the morning to be a right off, I wrote this:



A scene from a film that won’t ever be made


“So, basically, here’s the deal… What I’m gonna do, this is a great opportunity, what I’m gonna do is help you set up kind of a factory-type-scenario. I’ve got a bunch of mates, and all they want right, all they want is shit. It’s the latest thing, they love it. Fuck your apple pie, steaks, whatever, they’re all going nuts over shit – and my mates, man, they’re not paupers, they got cash money!”

“Shit, yeah mostly here we eat, like, potatoes, beans and that. Peaches, all my mates they fuckin’ love peaches, so that’s what I do, I grow peaches and that, to feed my mates.”

“Yeah forget about that, how much you make off peaches? You sell them to your mates, how much your mates earn? Nada. Niente. Nuffin’. How do your lot say it?”


“Nula, right. Nula. Well hears the deal, you got a fucktonne of animals here right, so start feedin’ them up. My mates, they won’t eat human faeces, they think it’s weird, they just want animal stuff. And we need premium shit here, so give them all your best, all your pigs and cows, sheep, goats, we need the best shit. Remember, my mates are loaded. So I’ll set you up, I’ll get you what you need to get going, you look after this shit, then when we’re done I can sell it to my mates and we split it, fifty fifty. I win, you win, everybody wins.”


One month later

“Hey ,buddy, I got all this shit for you, premium shit like you said. Your rich mates are gonna love it.”

“Ah, yeah, see, the thing about that… well there’s a bit of a problem… see, all my mates, well they fucked up a bit. Long story short they made some bad investments and, well, they’re broke. Plus, turns out shit isn’t all that great for you either.”

“Fo’ reals?”

“Yeah. Can’t afford to buy it.”

“So what the fuck am I gonna do with all this shit? I’ve been working my ass off, feeding the animals all the best food, man I quit my job. I was fuckin’ relying on this coming off man, you made promises”

“Yeah, sorry about that. That’s the market”

“So what the fuck do I do now? I’ve put everything into this. And my mates too, they’ve been relying on this too – what are they gonna eat? They’ve been donating their food. They’ve been making their own shit too, feeding their dogs proper burgers and that. Man, we’re all fucked. You fucked us! And the problem is, well, this is the really fucked part, my mates, well, some of them are Muslim Bosniaks, some are Orthodox Serbs, some Catholic Croats, and I got some Albanian mates too. And the guy in charger is a Serb fella, so some of my mates reckon they get a bad deal coz they’re not Serbs, telling them what they can do in their own gaffs and that. So then they make a fuss saying they don’t wanna be told what to do in their own gaffs, but the thing is a bunch of the Croats and Bosniaks got a few Serbs living with them so my Serb mates are a bit worried they’ll get picked on. So it’s all a bit mad to be fair, but we cope alright. Sometimes it’s like “you’re a dick” and someone else is like “yeah, well you’re a dick, so what, whatever”, “yeah, whatever, let’s have a smoke”, “good idea.” They throw some insults, fall asleep, it’s all good, maybe they both learn a little. But, like I said, we we’re kinda coping alright. Now it’s gonna be like, “You’re a dick”, “Yeah, you’re a dick, so what, let’s have a smoke”, “What, you know a guy?”, “Nah, you got nothin’? My guy stopped growing so he could make shit to sell to foreigners instead, better money he reckoned”, “You serious, what a daft cunt, this is that fuckin’ Serb’s fault”, “Fuck you Croat, you fuckin’ scrote”, and then it all becomes real. You can get on fine when you’re not suffering, but as soon as the suffering kicks in all that petty protect-your-own shit starts to matter. So we’re probably going to spend the next 5 years or so raping and killing each other.”


40 odd years later

“So, what you were trying to say this was all the fault of the investment of western capitol”

“Nah, nah, that’s not my point at all. But what strikes me is how the investment collapse seemed to act as such a significant turning point. A lot of shit seems kinda after the fact by now but that bit always seems to get forgot. And what’s nuts is that this didn’t just happen here, but also in Afghanistan, and Taiwan as well I think. I’m not an economist, so I can’t get my head round the finer points, it all kinda pickles my brain, but I think this situation sums it up alright. But what’s important is the situation now, because now, in the UK, and the US and related countries, they’re in a similar position, in that they’ve based their economy on some retarted notion that people will keep buying this amass of shit they can’t afford and don’t get anything from, and all the petty little protect-your-own bullshit is starting to come out and matter again. From what it seems, other countries (i.e. China) are now investing in the west the same way they invested in us back in the 70s, and sooner or later the same thing will happen, and they’ll be left to tear each other apart, all blaming each other because none of them have the smarts or the means to go after the ones’ who are really responsible. Anyway, what can we learn from this? Is it as simple as learning not fall prey to greed and trust some cunt with a chequebook? No chance. Is it about learning to get over our petty racial bullshit by understanding that the differences between us are completely arbitrary and defined by factors and experiences outside of our control? Fucking get real! Have you met people? We just gotta find cheaper ways to get high.”



what i learned from yugoslavia, kusa

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